I’m not ashamed, I’m THANKFUL!
Disclaimer, serving two masters is not wisdom, its not cool, its foolish.
Now for some what I’m about to say would be deemed shameful. I mean for starters my family have never heard me saying this and growing up in a culture/community where your struggles/sins are to be kept and swept under the rug, I'm probably a red flag right now but fortunately for me, this is part of my story, this is part of my testimony which I hope will encourage someone. But to those who hear/read this, and I have hurt/offended you, past or even present, I am sorry.
Since my mid teens I entered ministry. I went in not exactly knowing what it entails, my responsibilities, the repercussions and most importantly I did not know God. I knew of the God I was singing about, the God from second hand revelations, but knowing him, in communion and intimacy was completely unheard of. I lead multitudes of people at a time, to a God who to me was foreign. I was unfortunately that minister, to some a leader, all while to God a stranger.
Publicly I became so accustomed to declaring the things of God in the eyes of many but the truth in reality, was that my outward expression was completely from the pit of hell. It was sin and nothing else but sin. A clear stance of where I really stood with God. My actions only declared to him that I despised him. That I was lost and foolish.
Though declaring the things of God, I was heavily drinking until I blacked out, I was having sex, I would lie and manipulate, I would go around stealing and thrive off the thrill of stealing. But somehow how God in His mercy and loving kindness still chased after me.
I was at a stage in life where my heart kept getting darker and the sin greater that I was ready to meet face to face with a tarot card reader. I found myself so deep in a toxic and abusive relationship at the time, that I knew I couldn’t run to God anymore because of my filth (That’s what condemnation taught me), so instead I thought to run in the arms of fortune tellers who really just wanted to exploit me. But God being God, that day after receiving an email to provide my birthday details, star signs and problems to discuss, I went to sleep, only to have a dream that changed my life, woken woken up loud ringing bell and yanked off my bed by what was literally the touch of God but in reality was my wake up call. God literally woke me up from the deep sleep I was in for years.
I was so stunned by what happened I genuinely thought that someone was in my apartment, maybe someone rang the door bell, even searched my phone to see if anyone left a message to say they passed by because this was too real to be my imagination. But in that moment I understood that God was getting my attention. I was so deep in sin that this one move would’ve completely finished me, but God stepped in before it was too late. The events that took place were like a fast paced unravelling that only left me marvelled at Gods rescue and love for me.
But though marvelled and ever changed from that moment and the events that followed, God allowed me to really see the condition of my heart.
My encounter with God helped me to see that though I was keeping integrity with people (or at least I thought), I was not being integral with God. Declaring my love for God publicly but privately doing the things He hates was not a reflection of someone who is keeping their word. I was a bride declaring her vows publicly that I was secretly breaking. I wasn’t keeping covenant but instead protesting in private that I really hated God and didn’t care. But despite all of that, He still chased after me.
Hosea 4:6
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
Because you have rejected knowledge,
I also will reject you from being priest for Me;
Because you have forgotten the law of your God,
I also will forget your children.
Proverbs 9:10
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Now ‘knowledge of the Holy One is understanding’. Another key thing my encounter with God helped me to see was that I did not know God. In the Hebrew the term know translated is ‘Yada’, which describes experimental, relational and intimate knowledge. It can refer to knowing a person, understanding a situation or even knowing sexually. This context of my lack was in relational and intimate knowledge. I had no intimacy with God. A deep and personal connection did not exist and I did not desire to pursue it at the time. I was not intentional neither did I care.
Not knowing God, lacking in my knowledge of Him was my biggest stumbling block. Why? Because in not knowing, I lacked understanding. I didn’t understand who God is, meaning ultimately, I didn’t know myself, who God is to me and me to Him, how I serve Him, how I serve others, there was so much I didn’t understand and not to speak of my limitation in wisdom because of my lack in reverence. All this lack caused me to perish in darkness. I was completely in the dark and really just a fool doing foolish things.
But irregardless of the darkness I was in and how much I saw myself to be filthy, God still saw that I was worth saving and chased after me. He really is a good God.
Now I speak of this because no matter the darkness you’re in or how filthy and far gone you believe to be, God still desires to chase after you. He is the same God that will leave the 99 just to get you.
Matthew 18:11-13
For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.
What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray.
But the love of God not only rescued me from the horrible pit I was in, but in His mercy and loving kindness, He also cleansed and restored my soul. He journeyed with me and delivered me in the hands of safe people who would continue to journey with me until His Lordship was established in my life again. My encounter with Him changed the trajectory of my my life completely and I am thankful.
What was once a hidden shame I thought was too filthy to clean, turned to a testimony of true joy. My story changed, covenant was restored and I finally began to know my Father.
But one thing I really understood and took from all this was just how important it is to continuously examine yourself. Now more than ever, I have been understanding why the Father looks at the heart and not the outward appearance. Outwardly I looked the part, I played the part, I knew how to play the role of religion but God knew the state of my heart, God could see my posture and in His mercy He revealed it to me. Not to condemn or to cause shame, but to redeem me from the darkness I was in and to lead me in the path of righteousness and intimacy.
1 Samuel 16:7
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
I then understood that yes, though God has redeemed me and brought me into light, throughout this journey I am on with Him, I cannot abandon the importance of self examination. The role I play in inspecting, scanning and assessing my heart, my posture, my body, my mind, my soul. That when the instruction to Love the Lord with all my heart, my mind and my strength, is fulfilled because I have ensured to examine and deal with the matters that are causing me not to live up to that command.
The desire is to be and to continuously know my Father. To be a bride who abides my her vows to the groom. One who not only declares the things of God publicly but also daily expresses those declarations even in private.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realise this about yourselves that christ is in you? … 2 corinthians 13:5
So I ask you the reader as I ask myself: Are you in the faith? Are you still postured at his feet to are you prioritising other things right now? Have you been praying and if not why?
The questions continue, but it is all part of the examinations.
Let’s continue the conversation. Welcome to season 2: Matters of the heart
Love always,
TM
